Photographer Profile: Diane Arbus

Diane Arbus' work (see left) is well known for a few reasons...the first one being her choice of subjects. She enjoyed trying to find "freaks" (her own word) to photograph...an albino sword swallower, a cross-dresser in NY, creepy twins side by side, Jayne Mansfield Cimber-Ottaviano with her daughter, a black midget in bed with a fedora, a young white supremacist, the list goes on.

some people have a really difficult time looking at her photography, citing that it makes them feel uncomfortable, or that they would prefer to leave these subjects to the unseen part of their life, not really acknowledge them in anyway. Her work is a blunt fixation on what you don't want to see. However, it's my personal belief that it's not so much that that she wanted to photograph what she wanted to photograph...she thought that she could learner intention was to make people very uncomfortable with her work...I think something from the people she shot about how to be strong and live in a society where stick figures and beauty queens pervade every aspect of life (she used to be a fashion photographer). She became interested in other, more interesting and "freakish" parts of life. It wasn't about shooting for an audience as much as it was about shooting for herself. She took risks. And in a world where everyone is a photographer, it's hard to do that.

Lately in the group, although i know i'm not an outsider, i'm beginning to feel the first peer pressure i've ever felt in my life. people get together, drink, and then things happen that they joke about for hours, but never feel a need to tell anyone else about. I just want to be accepted by the group...and i know that i am, but at the same time i'm missing out on so much because i don't want to drink. I'll hang out with them when they are, but it's just really boring. Plus I don't really like being around people when they're drunk...it's upsetting because it's like they become someone completely different, and the person that I liked initially is just gone almost completely.

last night i decided that i didn't want to stay home, even if it meant going somewhere that i wouldn't be comfortable right away, or didn't necessarily want to go. I just wanted to be part of the group. So, the plan that evening was to go to a hookah bar. apparently there were belly dancers there, so i thought i might enjoy that as well as hanging out with everyone, even if it meant sitting in smokey air for a while.

there were probably about 11 of us in total, me, my roommate, my roommate's friend who was visitng, some non-kemper folks and some kemper folks.

when we got there, even though we had called the place, it looked completely closed down. finished. not open again forever. it was kinda sketchy, so we reverted to plan B, which was to go to this bar near our house where someone knew someone and we could all get in. so off we went.

when we got there, even though a lot of people had drunk before we even left the apartments, the main issue seemed to be ensuring that enough alcohol was in their separate systems. We divided into two groups... the one at the bar drinking, and the one at some little tables 2 feet away, drinking. I wasn't drinking, and neither was this non-kemper guy that i had met that night, but i think most other people were. there was some dancing initially, but not much else.

I felt so out of place. But by being there, i knew that i was doing something to make myself fit in better. I knew that in an ideal world, i wouldn't have to take these risks to try and feel "cool" or "accepted," and that people would just enjoy my company because they might enjoy my company. But i don't think that's the case when alcohol is a primary thought.

anyway

later on there got to be a lot more dancing, and i had fun with my roommate, her friend, and the non-drunk non-kemper, and everyone seemed friendly (obviously....but nicer and more inclusive than usual) , we walked back around 1:3o, talked and ate some icecream, and went to bed.

I guess going to the bar was important because i got to a) get out of the house b) meet someone new, c) take a risk, and d) learn that some people drink to be completely different, others because they just have a good time sipping drinks. This last lesson i think is particularly important because the whole changing personality thing doesn't happen when people are sipping a drink, rather than guzzling a few down to be drunk.

I wish I could be as confident as Diane Arbus was in doing her work for herself and just not caring, but I don't think i'm like that anymore, if I ever was. I really hope that I start to grow out of this lack of confidence i seem to be harboring...I don't really know. Feeling accepted is important to me, but also is staying true to the person who i've grown to be. I think this experience taught me that i can do that, but also that I need to take more risks if i'm going to be accepted and included.

almost the opposite of arbus...but i guess i'm looking to her as a role model. how can i express myself without caring so much about whether i'm accepted? is it important at all to be accepted? and i think most importantly, what are the things that make me happy? inclusion, acceptance, being myself? can i have all of these things?