Lost People

"We try to grab pieces of our lives as they speed past us. Photographs freeze those pieces and help us remember how we were. We don't know these lost people but if you look around, you'll find someone just like them." - Gene McSweeney

some of you guys may recognize the above quote as the one that's always on the right hand side of my blog, right next to my photo. When i made this blog, i was searching for a quote that resonated with me to put in that spot, which is marked "about me." I didn't know exactly why i thought this quote represented some facet of my personality, but i chose it originally because it had to do with photography, grabbing snippets from all around, and then reflecting on them a little bit. I liked the message it gave about photography.

this entry is about reflecting on how i've changed. Pulling over if you will. I'm hitchhiking and picking myself up at the same time.

At the beginning of last year, I was as low as i had ever been. The second big friendship trauma of my life had taken place, and I felt very alone. I had little to no self-esteem left, and I wasn't sure who to depend on. thankfully, some very good friends picked me up, put me in the oven (of love), took me out when i was good and baked, and let me cool for a while until i hardened back up with a soft interior. I was a cookie. but a good cookie. I would prefer that to roadkill personally.

after i got my feet back on the ground, it was time to ship off to chicago, where, while it was difficult at the beginning, i now remember with much fondness. I started to gain my confidence back, I became super comfortable with public transportation, and I started dancing again. I also got my second and third real photo jobs, which is always really exciting. working for Gary was also a dream.

then i came back, and it was time to go to france.

I've written a lot about finding my location, not loosing control, looking at the same things from a different angle, and nerves.

i feel a little bit reborn.

being a cookie was good, but at the same time, i needed a fresh start. as much as i hated it in the beginning, i needed to stick myself into an unfamiliar place, and figure it out again. Baby steps was good, learning to talk was good, but what i needed was to remember who i was, to recreate myself. to let myself learn the same things again with the knowledge that it's possible to fall apart. but what i gained was the knowledge that i can rebuild myself again. even if it makes me miserable, i can deal, i can get through, i can succeed, and i can even make friends. i can make friends that i think will last. and i can be confident in that. and confidence is something i've been missing for a little while.

I also learned a language. In fact, i learned two. I learned how to speak french, and I learned to speak myself. what do i need right now to get over this. what do i need to realize, what do i need to think about.

sure that may sound a little selfish to only be thinking about myself. but when you're re-learning almost everything you've ever learned about yourself, learning how to listen to that and follow through is a good thing to know how to do.

so i remember how i was before my friendship traumas. and i remember how i was in every transitional phase since then. but i think i'm officially done being in transitional phases. i'm still going to change obviously, but i think i've healed the old wounds. i can wake up in the morning, do every sort of boring and non-boring activity it takes to be a student, develop a routine, do it, and have that be enough. i can do that.

about continuing this journal...i have NO idea. i'm honestly not that big of a writer. i think that maybe when dane and i were young she used so many words that i learned how to express them in other ways, dance and art (and screaming, occassionally). so i'm not sure if i'll ever feel compelled to write in this again. but if i am, if i've got something to put out there, i most certainly will. so feel free to check back every now and again.

this is liora, signing off.

PAINTINGS I MADE THIS SEMESTER

here is an image of alll the paintings i did this semester minus a few.

click on the image to see "alll" of them. the blog cuts a few out.

Film Speed, or ISO

When taking pictures, digital or film, one has to think about ISO (aka: ASA or Film Speed). The ISO refers to how sensitive the film (or pretend film) is to light. And since photography is all about capturing light, logic says that the more sensitive your film is (aka: the higher your ISO), the more light is captured in your photographs.

example:
for shooting in bright sunny outdoor light, one would use an ISO of about 100-200, not very sensitive. there's already a lot of light!
however, if you want to shoot, for example, a skyline at night, or a portrait with not a lot of light, one might use an ISO of anywhere from 500-3200. depending on quality of the camera and amount of light.
if you decide to shoot at ISO 700 on a bright summer day,typically, you're not going to get anything at all because your film is too sensitive. it just will bleach out. unless you're magical.

some days in aix i feel like my ISO is just changing all over the place. In some classes i'm well exposed some might say, balanced, well composed. In others, I'm just not there at all. Due to constant criticism with the notes "there are still a lot of errors" on all of my papers (regardless of how much i've improved the paper and how little errors actually remain, the critique is constant) in Expression Oral et Ecrit, I have simply ceased to care. I'm gonna study hard for the final, but why even bother trying to edit a photograph that simply isn't well exposed to begin with? that's what i feel like sometimes. Whereas, another situation, art class. I'm not the best, but the critique isn't "your eyes are always too big." it's, maybe try this way. how about another go?

While I'm ready to come home in a BIG way, i'm also really nervous. I'm heading back into an environment that i know is realllly stressfull (and with good reason...if you're gonna stress, this is stuff to stress about) after coming out of a situation that's really stressful, and then heading back to school in the US (which can be also seen as stressful). I'm not sure that i'm equiped to make all of these changes and keep my sanity. One of the girls here tells me that i may just need to take some "me" time. While that may be true, i'm not sure what it'll do. I'm not sure what's going on at home...all i know is that things are crazy. very very crazy. again, with good reason. what is going to be expected of me? pack up everything i know...but also be a responsible family member, girlfriend, friend, earn money (since i'll definately need it to buy books next semester), and take me time to still be sane. I don't really know what's going on any more. this is crazy. constantly switching back and forth from one situation to another. Not like i'm the only one, but still.

see you all in 14 days.

Nerves

Like when riding a horse, or dealing with nearly any situation, it is normally better to hide how scared you actually are during the situation, and, if appropriate, take control with confidence. At least, this is how i usually tend to act when i'm in a photoshoot with someone. It's very important, especially if the person is not used to being photographed, to help them, guide them, talk to them, and work with them through the shoot. if you're nervous and they know it, they get nervous, then the shot is ruined (usually) etc etc etc...you get the picture (HAHAHAPUN).

today i have a photoshoot with my dance professor Elodie. She is way cool...very very nice, obsessed with rachel brice (like me), and has dreadlocks down to her BUTT. I'm really looking forward to shooting her, but at the same time i'm very extreemely nervous. what happens if i choke on my french? what happens if i don't live up to my own expectations? what if the setting i found doesn't work out? what if, as a result of this shoot, she hates me forever? or what if it turns into a great friendship after this? what if????

edits as of Dec 3: PHOTOSHOOT WENT AMAZING. 200+ FRAMES IN AN HOUR. I DID NOT EVEN KNOW WHAT WAS HAPPENING!! (you can see all the shots i saved/preliminary edits at this link: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2024544&l=f256e&id=35502054 )

sometimes i think nerves help me get the better shot. if i manage to deal with them and put them aside. for all those that know the story, sometimes i get into the "aleitheometer trance" and when i can, good photos. when i can't...i rely on the mediocraty of what i know. not on what i can do.

in other news, i got my first A the other day (woohoo!) and one of my henna drawings was chosen to be the motif for the invitation to the school's gallery and "soiree des jeunes talents" (evening of young talents)party. exciting!

this past weekend i went to paris and stayed with pierre, sylvie, and the girls. everything went well, and i had a good time, but it's also a little awkward. I know i really like the girls, but this is the first time i've ever been able to talk to them! and since vanessa is studying all the time, and alexandra mumbles a bit (hard for me to understand her) it just made it a little...more awkward. I found myself relying too much on what i knew instead of going with the flow. little strained. hope that'll change. We had dinner at Annette's place on saturday night with everyone. Stani told me that i grew up. i giggled, but maybe it's true.

this upcomming weekend i have plans with the welsley girls! good times await.

i can't wait to come home. I am very ready.