Lost People

"We try to grab pieces of our lives as they speed past us. Photographs freeze those pieces and help us remember how we were. We don't know these lost people but if you look around, you'll find someone just like them." - Gene McSweeney

some of you guys may recognize the above quote as the one that's always on the right hand side of my blog, right next to my photo. When i made this blog, i was searching for a quote that resonated with me to put in that spot, which is marked "about me." I didn't know exactly why i thought this quote represented some facet of my personality, but i chose it originally because it had to do with photography, grabbing snippets from all around, and then reflecting on them a little bit. I liked the message it gave about photography.

this entry is about reflecting on how i've changed. Pulling over if you will. I'm hitchhiking and picking myself up at the same time.

At the beginning of last year, I was as low as i had ever been. The second big friendship trauma of my life had taken place, and I felt very alone. I had little to no self-esteem left, and I wasn't sure who to depend on. thankfully, some very good friends picked me up, put me in the oven (of love), took me out when i was good and baked, and let me cool for a while until i hardened back up with a soft interior. I was a cookie. but a good cookie. I would prefer that to roadkill personally.

after i got my feet back on the ground, it was time to ship off to chicago, where, while it was difficult at the beginning, i now remember with much fondness. I started to gain my confidence back, I became super comfortable with public transportation, and I started dancing again. I also got my second and third real photo jobs, which is always really exciting. working for Gary was also a dream.

then i came back, and it was time to go to france.

I've written a lot about finding my location, not loosing control, looking at the same things from a different angle, and nerves.

i feel a little bit reborn.

being a cookie was good, but at the same time, i needed a fresh start. as much as i hated it in the beginning, i needed to stick myself into an unfamiliar place, and figure it out again. Baby steps was good, learning to talk was good, but what i needed was to remember who i was, to recreate myself. to let myself learn the same things again with the knowledge that it's possible to fall apart. but what i gained was the knowledge that i can rebuild myself again. even if it makes me miserable, i can deal, i can get through, i can succeed, and i can even make friends. i can make friends that i think will last. and i can be confident in that. and confidence is something i've been missing for a little while.

I also learned a language. In fact, i learned two. I learned how to speak french, and I learned to speak myself. what do i need right now to get over this. what do i need to realize, what do i need to think about.

sure that may sound a little selfish to only be thinking about myself. but when you're re-learning almost everything you've ever learned about yourself, learning how to listen to that and follow through is a good thing to know how to do.

so i remember how i was before my friendship traumas. and i remember how i was in every transitional phase since then. but i think i'm officially done being in transitional phases. i'm still going to change obviously, but i think i've healed the old wounds. i can wake up in the morning, do every sort of boring and non-boring activity it takes to be a student, develop a routine, do it, and have that be enough. i can do that.

about continuing this journal...i have NO idea. i'm honestly not that big of a writer. i think that maybe when dane and i were young she used so many words that i learned how to express them in other ways, dance and art (and screaming, occassionally). so i'm not sure if i'll ever feel compelled to write in this again. but if i am, if i've got something to put out there, i most certainly will. so feel free to check back every now and again.

this is liora, signing off.