So the time is quickly approaching when lots of things will Change. That's definitely with a capital "C." Chicago is coming up next weekend, I'm working to secure a visa for France, and lots of things seem big, overwhelming, and very scary.
I think I can safely say that I feel like I'm standing at the edge of the "black hole" for the first time...first of all you're in a bathing suit - completely exposed, secondly, you're standing at the edge of a high, wet, rocky cliff in the middle of nowhere, Adirondack. Thirdly, you're expected to either swing off this cliff by rope, or simply go for the plunge. Fourthly, you will fall either way into a freezing and deep Adirondack river. You've heard from everyone else that if you don't keep your arms parallel to your body they will smack the water and sting for a while, and even if you do keep them parallel to your body, your feet will sting and your lungs will feel like they're gonna explode momentarily from the cold. well...maybe no one actually says that last part, but I'm pretty sure at that point you just assume.
anyway, so you're at the edge of this cliff. Everyone climbing up from previous jumps are laughing, talking, having a grand old time. You know it's gonna be great. But at the same time, you don't. What if you don't let go of the rope in time and fall too close to the cliff and get hit on the rocks? What if you jump too close to the cliff and get hit by rocks?
what if I do terribly at my internship? what if I forget how to speak French? what if getting my visa is a terrible experience and everything goes wrong? what is going to happen on this like thirteen hour ride to Chicago? what if we get lost? what if my boss hates me? what if my roommate and I don't get along? what if when I get to France, I realize (like in a dream) that I'm completely naked and forgot all my luggage in the states?
I'm 90% sure at this point that my brain has lost the custody battle for every other weekend and thursdays with rational thinking, and now solely resides with crazy, paranoid thinking.
4 comments:
I often find myself in similar states of self-doubt. What helps me through it is to think about how many other people are going through the same things, the same processes- whether it be getting a visa or starting a new job- and how many times the exact same thing I am doing has happened in the past. I try to realize that I am at least as competent as any of them, and that the people around me- whether they are my instructors, my coworkers, or my friends- all want to help me succeed. When you think like that it is easy to get lost in the bigger picture and fall victim to procrastination- probably why I'm such a bad student. But if you do take a step back and think about it, you will find it harder and harder to get worked up about it, and easier to find the clarity to get done what needs to be done.
Cool Photograph.
Peace.
Some questions you might also want to consider:
- What if I discover some new kind of food or wine that I absolutely love?
- What if my French gets so good that I discover I want to move to Provence?
- What if my internship rocks so hard I think I could make a career out of it?
- What if I discover that I'm actually a really awesome traveler who can kick the butt of any new city I find?
- What if Chicago seduces me until I fall completely in love with arch and alley?
- ...what if I *can* do it?
The terror is, all promises are kept. Even happiness.
Love,
~D
I'm constantly amazed that I'm alive. With all the things that can go wrong -- certain minerals or minute organisms entering my body by chance, a beam nailed incorrectly somewhere becoming dislodged and falling on me, a meteorite happening to fall out of the sky at the right time -- it seems that this little body of mine should have been squished or otherwise asploded a long time ago. And all the more in the realm of social death.
And, indeed, I have fallen on my head a few times. I have gone to the hospital. Houses do fall on people. Sometimes they die. Amazingly, sometimes they don't. Inconveniences and losses happen incessantly, but worrying never prevented any of them. Mindful and careful action may have prevented some of them, but just by being alive, we find ourselves in a world of death. So if your anxieties say, "What if I lose my luggage?" then say, "Yes, what if that? I'll be badly inconvenienced, and I will be OK." Think of the worst thing that ever happened to you. Even if you have not fully recovered from it, it has not robbed you of your ability to find joy and fulfillment in life. And the truth is that nothing can. Only our own anxieties rob us of that.
--Ryan C.
You're quite right about psychology: it is the study of the mind, not of the beliefs. Entailed within that study is the goal of creating a greater degree of health within the mind, which generally is taken to mean reducing suffering (anxiety, phobias, afflictive emotions, etc.) and thereby increasing happiness. To deal with suffering, people often are compelled to coping mechanisms, such as addiction, mental disorders and the like. In this way, they free their day-to-day lives from suffering. However, since the issue is unresolved and still vexing them, they are at a loss when the coping mechanism cannot deal with the suffering, for whatever reason. Clinical psychology, then, looks to address the key problem rather than continuing to get caught up in the cycle of "self-medication." In essence, by taking away the root problem, the individual is strengthened. She or he needs not turn to coping mechanisms any longer, as the source of the problem has been addressed. She or he is generally content with themselves, and better able to deal with suffering that occurs in the future.
I think religion can function in the same capacity. Indeed, I believe that all religions, at their onset, are methods of giving freedom from suffering. In the history of religion, that focus is rarely maintained, but I believe that it is there, nonetheless. I find that when I read about religions, I don't see abstract ideas about the sources of the universe: I rather see questions and answers about what fundamentally hurts us, and prescriptions for addressing them. I think that there is a huge failure on the part of many religions to connect their beliefs and tenets with an end to suffering within daily life, but it's there to be seen.
I think, then, that a person who is pious or "spiritual" is not different from a person who is mentally healthy. Being characterized by spirituality, as I am putting forth, simply means being OK with yourself. It's being plagued by inner demons no longer. Whether you call it "being close to God," "walking in the footsteps of the Lord," "being of sound mind," "attaining enlightenment," or whatever, they're all pointing toward the same thing. The exact characteristics will change, sure. But it's an end to suffering, and I would say that it is a psychological state. I've met plenty of atheists that are more spiritual than people who adhere to a religion.
So it seems that you and I have different beliefs about what religion is. Would I be correct in saying that you see it as one's beliefs about the ultimate and transcendent (that which cannot be seen)? Thus, the source of the universe, its ultimate meaning, and perhaps also the field of morality.
I think many people see religion in that light, but it can carry with it an implication that it is confined to the transcendent -- it is not rooted in experience. I aver that it can be something deeply experiential, and that the ultimate can be completely connected to one's daily life.
I'm probably still being too abstract. Please press me as you see fit.
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